I’m on my way home (alone) from work or anywhere, I stop at the Golden Arches for a quick bite. “Yes, I’ll have a plain cheeseburger, medium fry, an apple pie, and an orange hi-C…” I listen for my total and proceed to the next window. After paying, I smile politely ☺️… the nice lady on the other side hands me my food and off I go. I’ve timed this perfectly! I’m 15 minutes from home. I quickly eat my food, barely taking a breath in between bites… I’m on a time crunch! As I near my house (don’t freak out!), I would put all the trash back into the original bag (including the receipt) and toss it out of my window. (YES, I littered! I did! GUILTY! ?) I’d keep my drink because I could easily say I stopped for a drink because I was very thirsty. (I had an alibi for the Orange Hi-C! ?)
In case you’re not seeing the problem, ??? I’ll elaborate. (I’m not referring to the littering either! Don’t get me wrong, that was 100% unacceptable! ?)
I believe that if you’re gonna come clean and truly make a change in your life, you have to first and foremost be willing to allow your ghosts to escape. ? Here they go… DUCK! They’re PISSED! (That just made me snort a little! HAHAHAHA! ?)
I, Claudia, am (was) a closet eater. (No, I never actually ate inside of my closet… ? Well, except for in my photoshoot ? with @AmandaSwansonPhotography and it totally felt ridiculous!) Anyway, the truth is I hid from my family and from my spouse in order to avoid the unintentional looks of disappointment and shock. ? (This post may actually cause some shock… It’s really the first time I talk about this… My husband, parents, & siblings read this blog too so… ?) I would stop on my way home from work for example and eat an entire meal prior to arriving home and eating again. I was literally eating a meal before a meal in order to not appear as if I was “eating too much” at the next expected meal. I was stuffing my face to avoid mental hunger later?? (I know, it doesn’t make any sense to me either but I did it. Many MANY times.)
I’m convinced that in order for me to change my ways as I embark on this journey, I have to acknowledge how I got here. One truth at a time. You all already know about my health history and those hurdles but like I mentioned in my last post, it would be completely unfair to blame my “fatness” on those crutches. There are TONS of “hypothyroid” women out there who aren’t “fat”. They make better choices, work harder, & don’t allow this “condition” to inhibit their general life. There are no legitimate excuses for my behavior except that I have a problem.
I’ve never been to any kind of “Addiction Anonymous” meetings or anything but I’m pretty sure that if I did go, the first step in “recovery” (because I admit I am addicted to food) is admitting you have a problem. (Right? or is that just on TV? ?) Anyway, let me press on! So yes, I’ve admitted my eating “problem”. I have (under much better control today) a Binge Eating Disorder. Funny thing is that I’ve really never denied my problem ?(except when I’m eating in my car, and tossing out the evidence!) OK maybe I have neglected the obvious but not because I didn’t know it was wrong or because I wasn’t aware of the damage I was causing myself. It’s really difficult to explain my thought process. I struggle(d) between instant gratification & pleasure and guilt, remorse, defeat. Perhaps the best question of all time (well not “of all time” but you get it…) is why do I choose food over health? Why does food control me? Why do I sabotage myself day in and day out?
This is uncharted territory for me. I’m rapidly stepping out of my comfort zone as I prepare for this major life change. I assure you that with each word I write I become a little nervous in the pit of my stomach. I think mostly because I’m afraid of what its gonna feel like to be completely uncensored and authentic with all of you but mostly with myself. I’m nervous about what it will feel like to choose my health over the food! You see, you all may not know this but
I’m using you… (well, I mean that’s a bit harsh sounding…) I’m borrowing… Nope, I’m using you. ? (Sorry no way around those words!) Allow me explain. Each and everyone of you that takes the time to read my blog, comment, call, & message me, whether I know you personally or not, are in my head holding me accountable for my actions. No, I am not doing this for you, I’m doing this for me with you. Each one of you is pushing me to succeed and press on and for that I am eternally grateful! Writing my inner most feelings and difficulties “out loud” is part of my recovery.
**Crazy Fact: My last post about “commitment” reached nearly 8,000 yes you read that right 8,000 readers on Facebook alone in only 16 hours!?**
Let me get back to the “closet” situation. So many times, I told myself I’d never do it again. Mostly because the feelings of guilt were so incredibly awful! I felt guilt about lying to my family and the people I love more than cupcakes! I was living one of the 7 greatest sins! I was a prime example of gluttony. (WHATTTTTT?!) Honestly, just writing this post causes me that sick feeling in my stomach and I don’t like it at all.
That feeling leads me to the last few days. This past week I’ve not been feeling very good. I had some sort of food poisoning or something which I think was just my bodies way of rejecting rice and potatoes forever! (Yeah that bad! I just think of those 2 things and I wanna puke!) It was bad enough that I went to the ER (mostly worried I was going to die!) And since I still hadn’t been feeling better after several days I decided to go see my family doctor. Anyway, it turns out I need to drink more water and strongly consider changing my eating habits. (YA, I got that! Way to take the thunder out of MY plan… Not cool T, not cool.) Well, he didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, except that my heart is on point! OH and that I can work out (even if I puke) safely. Awesome! ?
I want all of you to know that I am committed to this journey. I’m committed to this transformation! I’m super excited about certain decisions I’ve made including picking a personal trainer! I’ll reveal my new trainers nickname later… (FYI: I appreciate all the referrals and conversations, truly there are some incredible people out there!)
Anyway, so that you all know, I am no longer “closet eating”. I do still binge eat but I’ve come to face the reality that is my life and accepted my present knowing how beautiful my future is. I’m slowly seeing myself in a different light. I’m not hiding from mirrors or evading photographs either. I believe my “healing” started the day I chose to publicly acknowledge my addiction and share it with all of you!
I’ve included a link on this blog post about Binge Eating Disorder (BED). I do believe this is something I struggle with and perhaps others can relate. (So that we’re clear, I’ve never been formerly diagnosed but I certainly meet all of the criteria.)
“I am the only person who has control over my eating habits. I can always resist something if I choose to.” -Louise Hay
Until next time…