“It’s just a fast food line, what’s wrong with you? Seriously relax! No, like for real… are you about to lose your shit? Breathe, breathe, breathe… What did they say? Shhh! Be quiet… Oh God! I can’t breathe, I’m having a heart attack! Am I having a heart attack? Oh my God my kids are in the car. Stay cool, be cool, pull your shit together Castro! Wait! I’m gonna faint! I’m gonna puke! Mother of God is this how I’m going out?! In a fast food drive thru line with my kids!?! Should I call my husband? No! God, it’s hot in this car! Lock it up Castro you’re wigging the F#%! Out!” I was interrupted by a sweet smiling face that said, “my pleasure!”
This kind of internal struggle went on for what I thought was hours! (It was more likely 5 minutes, but the longest 5 minutes of my life!)
SO many of you have recently asked me where I’ve been? Where’d I go? Why haven’t I blogged!? The reality is, I had to step away from everything that wasn’t my absolute. My children, my spouse, my family, & dearest and closest friends were what I needed most. They were my reality and my must haves. Yes, I’m not ashamed to admit it. I was so afraid of when and where I’d be when the next “shit storm” would hit that I felt the need to drop off the face of the earth while I figured out what the hell was broken in my body, mind, or soul! Where the hell did Superwoman go? And more importantly when is that bitch coming back?! I was angry, confused, & quite frankly devastated! These were questions I needed to answer, mirrors I had to look into regardless of the fears that could potentially lurk just inches from my reflection.
This depiction of one of my toughest moments was an untraveled, undiscovered, scary place that I knew nothing about! It was a place and time I’d only heard of. Much like the land of OZ!! (Lord knows I clicked my heels ? but I’d gone way passed Kansas!)
All joking aside, after many (MANY ?) tests and conversations, I was slapped with the incredible reality that is most commonly known as Anxiety. (WHAT?!?!?!?! Me? I’ve always had my shit together! I’m that woman who lends an ear and helps people solve their daily problems! I’m that girl who has the right words in the most difficult times! I’m that lady who can do it all!!! I’m SUPERWOMAN!)
Have you ever had that feeling when your putting your head down to sleep and suddenly you find yourself doing an entire run down of each minute you were awake and what the plan is for the next 36 months? That was my life! The problem was I didn’t really notice until my come apart at that infamous fast food drive thru line!
I went to my doctor and here is what he said… well… let me tell you what I said first…
“Hi Doc, 1. I’m not suicidal, 2. I’m not homicidal, 3. I’m not acutely psychotic… (As you all know, I’m a nurse… I know what those 3 answers mean!) that being said I do believe I’ve lost my shit. Like legitimately shit lost!” ?? ??
His response: “Relax, you’re not crazy. ? You’re simply a married middle aged woman with a tween & threenager, a stressful job or 3, a small business, a blog, & no sleep… At some point the brain just says… Time out! I’m done!… and that’s where you are right now. It’s quite common. ?”
Me: ? “What!?!?! What??? I’m sorry… did you say MIDDLE AGED! Middle aged?” (Never mind the fact that I was stressed out! He called me “middle aged”! I know a great doctor whom I love dearly and remember many times he would say… “Oh hell! Here comes another mid 30’s woman! You know they’re all a little crazy, right?!” ??? Yah! I get it now. ??♀️
In my head: ??????? Middle Aged… I’m that mid 30’s woman! ??♀️???
Him: “you have a lot on your plate. You need to decide what’s important right this minute, step back and realign your priorities.”
Me: ???? “so, how long will I feel like a hamster in a rolling ball in a square room filled with fire ants & rolling hills?”
Him: “could be a little while or the rest of your life. It’s hard to tell. The brain needs a break sometimes.”
Me: In my head: this shit has got to be a joke. I don’t have time for all this! “So, you’re telling me that this could be my daily life for the R E S T of my L I F E?!?!?! ???????
Him: “That’s right.” ?
(Excuse me while I have my middle aged melt down ?????????????☹️)
Needless to say, I walked out of the office hoping that this process of prioritizing would work and that my “pre-middle aged superwoman self” would return.
I will say this… my family was amazing during this process as were my very close friends who knew what I was dealing with and literally held my hand as I struggled with my new reality. Turns out I’m not superwoman. I’m just a middle aged woman. It took some time for me to accept this “new me”.
My weight loss suddenly became my weight gain. My journey and goals were ferociously diverted but I decided that being fat was a much better option than feeling crazy! I can be a funny and hard working fatty but not a crazy. (Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel fat & happy… just happy that my mind is not driving me in a downward spiral surround by vipers, scorpions, & spiders! –I hate spiders!!!!!)
It’s been about 10 months… I feel “mentally” great. I’ve stepped back, made changes, & have begun the reboot. I’m more focused on what’s important and less obsessed with what isn’t. I’m working less, enjoying family time more, changed my road obstacles and basically living life with a whole lot less stress. I’ve learned to say “no, I can’t” instead of always “pleasing others” – (turns out I’m a people pleaser?! Who knew!!!???)
That being said, my weight is still here. Actually, I’ve not weighed myself but I believe I’ve gained weight! I may be pushing 260 lbs. I’m certainly miles away from my goal but not broken or discouraged. I’m excited about a 10 year “friendaversary” coming up in August and look forward to looking better for my own personal pleasure. I’m focused on the positive things in my life and find a silver lining to nearly everything! (Well, sorta! Hey! I’m still human & middle aged!)
I hope that you all will continue to read, and join me. I encourage you to join a group on Facebook too called “Brazenly You” which is run by another friend of mine who has made the group where women & men can feel free to be who they are. No body shaming and no judgement. The group encourages you to be you & I love it!!
Until next time…
This Middle Aged Bad Cupcake Girl will be thinking about my next blog post! ❤